Ho Ho Ho!

As I've said before, sometimes I lack intellectual wit. What do you expect from a girl that plays on a hockey team with "Ho" nicknames on our back? As my Christmas gift to you, or to those of you with less than desirable humor like mine, here's the starting lineup:

Back Ho - she plays defense
DynaHo - she's got a wicked slapshot
PocitHo - she's five foot tall and about eighty pounds
Cooli Ho - she's Canadian, so the cool is built in
EZ Ho - 'nough said
Heidi Ho - she's got two long blonde braids sticking out of her helmet
Aho - this is soon to be her last name, how lucky is that?
Fire N D Ho - a scatological girl
Ho Mama - she has three kids
Burnaby Ho - she has a thing for "Burnaby Joe" Sakic
G.I. Ho - she likes the enlisted guys
2-bit Ho - she ain't nothing but a 2-bit Ho
B Da Ho - her nickname is Bee
En FuegHo - she has red hair
PikacHo - she looks like Pikachu, the pokemon
Gung Ho - she's always willing to take one, I mean two minutes, for the team
5 Ho - the goalie

Lastly, for the Ho that over-imbibes during a road trip tournament carries the honor of Heave Ho (for obvious reasons).

Happy HOlidays,
CuervHo

(Thanks to Tim for sending the cartoon!)

Woman's Best Friend

Hooray for Taz! Taz is a Colorado adventure racer's dog, who led rescuers right to her after she fell and broke her hip out in the middle of nowhere, Utah.

Static Happens

When I complained about the static in my hair to my stylist yesterday, I was pretty sure that she would recommend something that came in a fancy bottle and I was going to cave in and spend another $35 on product that I'd end up using very infrequently since static is a seasonal thing for my hair. But I was desperate.

I was desperate because I excused myself from the dinner table at a trendy restaurant in Boulder the other night, and upon looking in mirror in the bathroom discovered that looked like I just rubbed some balloons on my hair, or touched one of those electricity balls, or both. I frantically wet my hair down but then later, the static was back, and now my hair was flat too.

Much to my amazement, my hairdresser told me to just stick a fabric softener sheet (like Bounce) in my purse and rub it on my hair when static happens. "Um... okay." I said, but I was thinking, "She's whack!"

Willing to try anything to save my cabinets from housing more expensive products, I tried it today and sure enough, it worked! I recommend placing the sheet in a baggie before putting it in your purse because whatever is on those damn things will get on the other items in your purse. But hey, I just saved $34.97 - I couldn't be happier. Thanks Victoria - you are one cool stylist.

Someone call Cybill Shepherd and tell her the tip.

A White Christmas... Very White

The best thing about Denver's huge snowstorm that hit yesterday is that today, if you go out to the stores that are open, there's no lines during a normally busy Holiday time. Once getting out of my townhome's unplowed parking lot, I was surprised to see that the main roads were in great shape like this one in Boulder, (considering) and getting around in any SUV was pretty easy.

Well, this is Colorado afterall. We're used to it.

Another great thing about the storm is that even though the post office is closed today, the automatic mailing machine is accessible after hours, being by the post office boxes and all, so I was able to mail three packages today, December 21st, with absolutely no line! In fact, I was the only person in the entire building, having to post-hole through huge drifts of snow to make it from the street to the door. Hell, I'll take that over standing in line any day. And what's more, I have a perfect excuse why those Christmas packages are going to be late.

The worse thing about this storm is knowing that there's 21" of new, unskied snow at Winter Park ski resort, but having no way to get to it from Denver since Berthoud Pass is closed.

Oh and shoveling... that's not a lot of fun either. When's the last time you had to shovel your deck?

Funniest Thing I've Heard On Leno In a Long Time

Jay Leno: So do you do any winter sports?

Samuel Jackson: Naw man, I don't do winter sports. I'm black.

If I See Another Holiday Sweater, I'm Gonna Puke

I went to a Holiday Party recently with SV and I saw way too many hit-you-over-the-head Christmas sweaters there. Actually, one of these hideous things is too many, and there were three. Count 'em. Three.

I don't get it. Do these women not see themselves in the mirror before they leave the house? By what fashion law is okay to wear something, as Jeffrey from Project Runway would put it, so crafty-macaroni-gluey, just because it's Christmas?!

No, it's not okay to wear eight santa-hat-wearing cats on your sweater just because you like cats, or because you like Christmas! Stop it! It's stupid, unflattering, and frumpy.

I'm just waiting to see a red, gaudy Christmas sweater of some sort matched up with some ugly red Crocs. (See previous rants.) I know it will happen, and it will happen here in Colorado first. I just pray I have my camera at the ready when it happens.

This reminds me of another holiday sweater story, but I think my sister should tell it. You know the one.

Bring Out Your Dead

Many of you may remember (How the hell can you forget?!) when my best friend in Phoenix got married and Bridezilla went a little overboard... Well, you'll be happy to know that the wedding logo is not dead yet. It's still breathing.

Yesterday, I received a Christmas Card from the happy couple, and it was a photo montage of the wedding, and oh yes, back by popular demand - the wedding logo.

Today, I received a Christmas Present in the mail from the newlyweds and guess what it is?! It's a 2007 Calendar full of their Wedding Memories, so I can relive the wedding for 12 more months. Aw, how thoughtful!

What's even more exciting is that the Maid of Honor (me) is Miss October! Can you believe I finally made it onto a calendar?!

A New Twist on an Old Favorite

Remember when you were a kid and your parents would hold "being naughty or nice" over your head starting on Thanksgiving and up until Christmas Day? Well, I overheard a dad in the mall today say to his kid:

"Come on Josh, you have to behave! You don't want to be naughty. You just saw Santa Claus, he knows what you look like now."

"I want to say one word to you. Just one word."

Plastics.

They're good and they're bad. Take for instance the invention of putting Diet Coke into plastic bottles. There for a while, after the glass bottles disappeared, you could only get cokes in aluminum cans. I hate drinking anything out of aluminum cans, be it a Diet Coke or beer. So I was thrilled to be able to buy DC in plastic bottles - it saves me numerous trips to the gas station to get fountain DCs, which is what I was drinking to avoid that tin-can taste.

But what I don't understand is why they tie all the plastic coke bottles together with that cheap-ass plastic holder thingamajig. You know, the one that you can't dislodge from the coke without bodily-harm, or shaking the coke so bad that you have to leave it sit for a while without opening it?

C'mon, beer still comes in a sensible cardboard six-pack holder, even if it's plastic bottles, so why can't Diet Coke? Why?

Empress... Sounds a Lot Like Princess

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I find this extremely interesting since my beau, SV calls me Princess... much to my horror at first, because I think I'm anything but that. There is a strong, negative connotation that surrounds the word Princess, but after I learned that it meant he would do things for me, then I let him call me that.

Hike, One, Two Three, Hike!

Okay all you political-minded peeps - I've got a game for you.

You've seen this type of thing in action - Fantasy Hockey, or worse yet... Fantasy Football. You may sit on the couch and scoff at us sports-minded people as you lament over the things that matter, such as critiquing the rulers of the free world. Well, now you can have a team too. A Fantasy Congress team at this awesome website.

Fantasy Congress began as the idea of Claremont McKenna College (CMC) student Andrew Lee while he was living with a roommate who was constantly preoccupied with fantasy football. Andrew was no stranger to fantasy sports, having played fantasy baseball. Impressed by the power of fantasy sports to engage and captivate their players, Andrew decided that someone needed to invent a fantasy sports game to challenge government aficionados and to attract average people to the world of politics.

So go ahead, I challenge you. Sign up, create a team, and pick some congressmen that you think will pass bills and earn some points. Just don't end up with a team full of meth addicts that sleep with jilted ex-lovers or you could be punting for the rest of the season.

HAFs

It's some kind of phenom, I've noticed in the world of high altitude mountaineering. It has something to do with the pressure - the higher I climb, the more gas I seem to pass.

Relax, we all know by now that the myth that girls never fart has been busted.

My friends and I, while climbing most tall mountains are not afraid of HAPE or HACE, but High Altitude Flatulents (HAFs) has definitely affected all of us. Luckily, high altitude mountaineering takes place mostly outdoors. But there are a number of hours spent in close quarters, such as the time spent in a tent... and when you're snowed in, well, therein lies the rub.

I think this phenom is the main reason airline cabins are pressurized, but unfortunately for this woman, it wasn't enough.

I Love My Lunch Buddy

The thing that sucks the most about all these numerous layoffs is that I don't have anyone to go to lunch with.

First, my best friend got laid off, then Sklyer's Dad quit, now Klinker is gone... who am I going to talk to on Monday morning about how many games of hockey I played over the weekend, and brag about my earth-shattering goals? Who is going to lament with me about the Colorado Avalanche, who are so hot and cold this year? Who is going to tease me about how many pairs of shoes I have or that my purse looks like a tribble? Who is going to keep me up to date on what geeky men find entertaining such as Heros or Two and a Half Men?

Will you go to lunch with me? Please?

What She Said

My sister reminded you recently to listen to your mother.

Add to that: Don't smoke crack in an unmarked police car or be slapped with a DAPFUI (Driving a Parade Float Under the Influence.)

A Freak or a Nymph?

It's that time of year again when everyone starts to call me a freak. Why? Because I don't like chocolate. There, I said it.

Contrary to what you may think, more chocolate is sold at Christmastime than either Halloween or Valentine's Day. Inevitably, the conversation is raised around the workplace or many Holiday Parties when I turn down treats based on the cocoa factor. "What?! (usually women) exclaim - - "You don't like chocolate?!" The horror on their faces is always the same, as if I just burned a hundred dollar bill in front of their eyes.

I don't remember when I realized that I don't care for chocolate. I'm sure as a kid, I ate it and even probably enjoyed it, but my fondest memories of sugar-frenzied experiences are related to non-chocolate treats like Smarties and Bottle Caps. My favorite ice cream was vanilla dipped in Butterscotch, and those orange sherbet flavored Push Ups were also preferred over anything chocolate. I'd even ask Mom for the banana-square thingies from Little Debbie's versus Ho-Hos or Ding-Dongs.

I used to have a boyfriend who's unattractive roommate Doug would cook up a batch of melted chocolate every single night. It was perplexing to me until I read that chocolate produces the same endorphins to the brain as sex, and then it was all very clear to me why Doug had chocolate every night, and subsequently, why I didn't care for it.

I don't hate chocolate, I just don't need it.

Short-mare's Complex

Meet the world's smallest horse - Thumbelina. With a given name like that, no wonder she has shyness problems.

I know what's you're wondering - is the world's smallest horse going to have even littler foals? Evidently, Thumbelina has the ability to become pregnant and give birth, but the owners have decided not to allow this to happen, stating:

"There could be complications during the pregnancy, so we think it is better to avoid the risks. And although we love Thumbelina, we do not think it is right that the gene which creates dwarfism in horses is carried on through future generations."

The tiny mare has become sometime of a celebrity in her home town in America, but Mr. Goessling insists they will never sell her, no matter what price is offered.

"She is too precious to us to sell," he added. "I think my parents would sell me before they part with Thumbelina."

"And then punches flew and chairs were smashed in two. There was blood and a single gunshot, but just who shot who?"

It just goes to show you, listening to Barry Manilow does makes you crazy, but that doesn't mean anyone, especially Paris Hilton, has to know about it.